Domestic Violence Affects Everyone

Abuse In Texas

Quiz: How is Your Relationship?

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with bad names and put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family?
• Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap your or hit you?
• Force you to drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

If you checked even on, you may be in an abusive relationship.  If you need to talk, call us: 800-664-3574

If Someone You Know Is Being Abused

You may have a friend, relative or neighbor who is being abused.  You may have witnessed the violence, heard it, seen physical signs of it, or merely suspected it for various reasons.  What should you do?

• Ask direct questions, gently.  Give her ample opportunity to talk.  Don't rush into providing solutions
• Listen without judging.  Abused women often believe their abuser's negative messages.  They feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate, and are afraid they will be judged.
• Let her know that you support and care about her, that she's not responsible for the violence, that only the abuser can stop the violence.
• Ler her know that it is likely, in spite of her promises, the violence will continue and probably escalate.
• Emphasize that when she is ready, she can make a choice to leave the relationship, and that there is help available.
• Provide her with information about local resources: the phone number of a local domestic violence hotline, support group, counseling, shelter programs and legal advocacy services.
• She may need financial assistance, or help finding a place to live, or a place to store her belongings.  She may need assistance to escape.  Decide if you feel comfortable helping out in these ways.
• If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police.  But because these assaults are often dangerous, do not physically intervene.
• Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable, at any time.  There's no excuse for it - not alcohol or drugs, not financial pressures, not depression, not jealousy.
• Make sure that she knows that she's not alone - that millions of American women from every ethnic, racial and socioeconomic group suffer from abuse, and that many women find it difficult to leave.
• Also explain that domestic violence is a crime as much as robbery or rape and that she can seek protection from the justice system.
• if she has children, reinforce her concern for them, letting her know that domestic violence is damaging to children.  In fact, you may want to reach out to support her children, and let them know you're there for them, too.
• If she is planning to leave, remind her to take important papers with her, such as birth certificates, passports, health insurance documents, etc.
• If she remains in the relationship, continue to be her friend while at the same time, firmly communication to her that she and her children to not deserve to be in this violent situation.

Click On The Links Below For Helpful Information

Children's Center      Teen Center      Adult Center

Children's Center

Effects of Domestic Violence - Toddlers and Preschool

• More aggressive or more withdrawn than other children
• Impaired cognitive abilities
• Delays in verbal development
• Poor motor abilities
• General fearfulness, anxiety
• Stomach aches
• Nightmares
• Lack of bowel and bladder control over three years old
• Lack of confidence to begin new tasks

Emotional Reactions of Children to Violence

• Feeling responsible for the abuse
• Constant anxiety
• Grief
• Guilt for not stopping the abuse
• Ambivalence
• Fear of abandonment
• Need for excessive adult attention
• Fear of physical harm to themselves
• Embarrassment
• Worry about the future

Results of Children Living in Violent Homes

• Violence at schools
• Truancy
• Teen pregnancy
• Runaways
• Use of pornography
• Sexual harassment
• Date rape
• Sexual assaults
• Food addictions
• Substance abuse
• Violence in our streets
• New generations of violent families

What to Look For if You Suspect a Child is Being Sexually Abused

Early childhood symptoms:

• Bladder infections
• Vaginitis
• Pain in urinating or defecating
• Venereal disease
• Fear of people: 
  • Male or female
  • Any age group
  • Relatives, close friends or strangers
• Changes in school performance such as:
  • Poor concentration
  • Falling asleep or tiredness
• Self-injury because of acting out the stress of the abuse:
  • Biting themselves
  • Hurting others
  • Destructive, continuous masturbation
  • Drawing pictures of adults' or children's genitals
  • Feeling bad about themselves
  • Constant lying
  • Loss of trust in individuals other than perpetrator
  • Avoidance of all physical contact with others and refusing to be held, hugged, or cuddled
• Precocious sexuality:
  • Thinking that 'favors' can be earned by sexual behavior
  • Using sex as a way to get love and attention
• Nightmares or 'bad dreams'

Reporting Child Sexual Abuse

Your responsibility:

• Anyone who suspects or knows of a child being abused is required by Texas law to make a verbal report.
• Professionals must report within 48 hours.
• Everyone benefits when abuse is reported IMMEDIATELY!
• You are not expected to prove that abuse or neglect has occurred.
• If you knowingly fail to make a report it is a Class B Misdemeanor.

Where to report:

• Any local of state law enforcement agency.
• The office where the alleged or suspected abuse happened when it involves a person responsible for the care, custody, or welfare of the child.
• The state agency that operates, licenses, certifies, or registers the facility in which the alleged abuse or neglect occurred.
• The agency designated by the court to be responsible for the protection of children.

The Texas Department of Protective and Regulatory Services provides a 24-hour hotline: 

• Texas Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-252-540

 

Teen Center

Safe Dating Tips

Before you leave on a date:

• Know exactly where you are going, and for how long.
• Tell your parents or someone you trust what the plan is and what time you will be home.
• Let your date know that you will be expected home at a certain time or that you are expected to call to check in.
• Always bring some money for a phone call or a taxi, just in case, so you're not stuck in a date that goes bad.  Pay phones are usually located near public restrooms.
• If you leave a party with a friend, make sure you let someone else know that you are leaving and with whom, and ask them to call to make sure you got home safely.
• Watch your drink! Never leave a beverage unattended.  Take it wherever you go and never drink from a glass that has left your sight.  Don't accept a drink from someone unless you saw where it came from or it is still in a closed beverage can.
• Consider double-dating the first couple of times you go out with a new person until you get to know them better.
• Expect respect! If he moves too fast, let him know! You can say "NO" with your words, your hands, and how you act.  Let him know what's OK and what's NOT OK with you.
• Trust your instincts!  If you begin to feel uncomfortable think of ways to end the date.  Possible excuse: "I'm feeling sick" or "I think I got food poisoning" .  You can also use your parents as an excuse: "Mom is real strict, I need to get home now."
• Trust your intuition: If you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in a situation, then get out as soon as you can.  You might run the risk of embarrassing yourself but better than that than to be sexually assaulted.  
• Communicate.  Make your expectations clear and limits clear.  Say "NO" when you mean no and "YES" when you mean yes.  Make sure that your body (example: tone of voice, posture, gestures, etc.) is giving the same message that your words are.
• Know your limits.  Decide before the date what your sexual limits are.  How can you effectively communicate your limits if you don't know what they are?
• Avoid isolated areas.  Be cautious of isolated areas such as empty houses, abandoned buildings, "going parking", etc. It is much more difficult to get help if there is no one nearby to hear you.
• Find out where you are going and what time you will be home and then tell someone!
• Make sure someone knows where you are.  Check in with them at a prearranged time.
• I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty.  I have the right to ask for a date without being crushed if the answer is "no".  I have the right to choose to go somewhere alone without having to pair up with someone.  I have the right not to act macho or seductive.  I have the right to say "no" to physical closeness.  I have the right to say "I want to know you better before I become involved".  I have the right to say "I don't want to be in this relationship any longer".  I have the right to an sexual relationship with the opposite sex.  I have the right to not be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally.  I have the right to change my goals whenever I want.
• No one deserves to be raped.  There are danger signals to watch for that ay point to potential acquaintance rapists.  A person who doesn't listen or chooses to ignore limits is not sensitive to another person's needs.  This is the sign of someone for whom consent is not important in physical intimacy.  If anger is a typical response when limits are set, then this may be someone who cannot allow another to confront them.  The offender may be a power-tripper.  By repeatedly ignoring "NO'S", the offender may be trying to elevate the level of fear.

"Safe Dating Tips" adapted from The Educational Safety Program (Hays-Caldwell Women's Center).

Is It Sex or Sexual Assault?: A Young Man's Reality Checklist

• Are you interested in a serious relationship and can you be faithful to her or do you want to be a "player"?
• Have you asked her how she feels about including sex in this relationship?
• Have you let her know that you respect her opinions and decisions?
• Do you think you are ready to handle the responsibility and possible consequences of a sexual relationship, such as fatherhood?

If you answered "No" or "I don't know" to one or more of these questions, you need to MAKE TIME TO TALK!  It is the ONLY way to know what both of you want.  

• Do you think a young woman is supposed to have sex with her boyfriend?
• Have you lied about your true feelings just to get her to give in?
• Have you ever threatened to leave her or find another girlfriend, if she doesn't give you what you want?
• Have you tried to get her drunk or high, to get her to have sex with you?

If you answered "Yes" to one or more of these questions, STOP!  Consent or permission is based on CHOICE.  If she can't say no comfortably, or if you are unwilling to accept "no" than "yes" or "OK" IS NOT REAL!

Sexual Harassment Does Not Equal Flirting

There are big difference between the two.

Flirting:

• Is wanted
• Makes you feel good about yourself
• Makes you feel flattered and attractive
• Makes both people feel in control
• Can go both ways

Sexual Harassment:

• Is unwanted
• Makes you feel bad about yourself
• Makes you feel put down or ugly
• Makes you feel powerless
• Is one-sided

You Deserve Respect!

Sexual harassment is any behavior of a sexual nature that is unwanted or not liked, and occurs on a frequent basis.  

Sexual harassment can be when someone:

• Makes nasty or obscene comments to you in person or by phone.
• Spreads sexual rumors about you. 
• Continues to make comments about your body that are sexual or demeaning.
• Touches you or pushes themselves against you without your permission.
• Tries to show you pornographic pictures after you have told them to stop.
• Draws or writes something nasty or obscene with your name in a public place.

What to do if someone harasses you:

• Tell them to stop or write them a letter (save a copy).
• If they don't stop get more help; tell an adult at school and any other trusted adult.
• Keep telling until someone listens and takes your complaint seriously.
• Keep a journal of everything a harasser says and does (include dates, the names of possible witnesses, and the names of school employees whom you have talked to about the problem).

Adapted from a flyer originally created by Hays-Caldwell Women's Center.

What is Consent?

• Consent is based on choice.
• Consent is active, not passive
• Consent is possible only when there is equal power.
• Giving in because of fear is not consent.
• Deception or manipulation eliminates the possibility of consent.
• If you can't say no comfortably, then "yes" has no meaning.
• If you are unwilling to accept "no" then "yes" has no meaning.
• Consent means to give your permission by saying "yes".
• Giggling, changing the subject, or squirming away does not communicate a "yes" or a "no".
• To give your permission, you must be able to say "yes" or "no" without pressure.
• If someone gets you to do something through lying, you did not give consent because that person tricked you.

You Have the Power to Help Your Friends Who Are in Abusive Relationships

How to Help a Victim:

• Listen and believe.  Tell her you care about her and want her to be safe.
• Don't ask blaming questions (example: 'What did you do or say to provoke him?' or 'Why don't you just break up with him?')
• Don't be critical of the abusive partner
• Offer to talk with her or go with her for help.
• Call the police or security officer if you witness an assault.

How to Help an Abuser:

• Call the police if you witness an assault.  In many cases the abuser can be required to get counseling.
• Tell him that violent behavior is not OK, instead it is a sign that the person has a problem and needs help.
• Offer to talk with him about alternatives to violence; cooling off, talking about the issue, counseling, or support groups.
• Be a role model for healthy relationships; treat your friends and partners with respect.
• Take a stand.  Don't reinforce abusive behavior by laughing, minimizing, or ignoring an act of violence or a threat of violence.

Danger Ahead: Early Warning Signs of Teen Dating Violence

Are you going out with someone who:

• Is jealous and possessive toward you, won't let you have friends, check up on you, or won't accept breaking up?
• Triest to control you by being bossy, giving order, making all the decisions, or doesn't take your opinion seriously?
• Is scary: You worry about how they will react to things you say or do; threatens you; uses weapons, or owns weapons?
• Is violent: Has a history of fighting, loses their temper quickly, brags about mistreating others?
• Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex; Thinks women or girls are sex objects.  Attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you by saying, "If you really loved me, you would...".  Gets too serious about the relationship too fast?
• Abuses drugs or alcohol and expects you to use them?
• Blames you when they mistreat you; Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons, made them do it, led them on?
• Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems: "Girls just don't understand me!"?
• Believes that men should be in control and powerful and that women should be passive and submissive?
• Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you they are worried for your safety?

Adult Center

Characteristics of the Abusive Person and Signs of a Battering Personality

• Low self-esteem
• Assumes the 'traditional' male role
• Blames everyone else for his problems and actions
• Excessive possessiveness
• Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality (dual personality)
• Does not believe that his behavior should have consequences
• A record of pas family violence or sexual assault
• Very controlling and manipulative
• Alternates between threats of violences and pit me
• Uses violence to maintain his power and control in the family
• Makes the woman accountable for every minute of her time

Behind Closed Doors: Are Your Family Relationships Healthy?

Violence is not always obvious, like a beating or a shooting.  It can be subtle.  It can come in the form of constant criticism or insults.  It can be one adult trying to control another with threats, rules, or jealousy. 

Domestic Violence is interpersonal violence and it does not discriminate based on social standing, race, age or religion.  It is a crime, which is often not reported.  It is even minimized and not talked about.  For huge numbers of women and the children who witness it, domestic violence causes horrible damage to the spirit, soul, and body. It rips families apart; it can also be fatal.

Are your relationships healthy?  If you can honestly answer yes to any of the following questions, you may be in danger.

• Does your partner or family member try to control your every move?  Do they threaten you or are they jealous?  (Jealousy is not a sign of love.  It is a way to control.)
• Are you afraid of someone you live with or with whom you have a close relationship?
• Do you endure frequent insults? Is someone telling you that you are worthless, stupid, ugly, or no good?
• Do you often come home to the third degree?  Are you questioned about your whereabouts or whom you see?  Are you isolated from friends and family>
• Does someone you care about ever hit you, push or slap you, pull your hair, or violate you in any way physically?
• Are you ever pressured or forced to have intimate relations with someone when you don't want to?
• Is there frequent yelling in your home?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be a victim of domestic violence.  If you need or want help, there is help available to you free of charge.  As a human being, your life and your purposes have value.  you deserve to be treated as a valuable human being.  We all have basic human rights, such as; the right to have and express your own feelings and opinions, the right to consider your own needs, the right to be independent; the right to be treated with respect and dignity; the right to be listened to and be taken seriously, the right to be left alone, and the right to decide what to do with your own property, body and time.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 to 44.  medical costs for these women's injuries exceed one hundred million dollars a year.  Every year in our wonderful land of the free, and home of the brave, six million women are beaten behind the closed doors of the homes.  The children who witness this violence are five times more likely to be involved in violent relationships as adults; and so the cycle continues.

Many people ask why women may stay in this kind of relationship.  One answer is fear.  Seventy-five percent of the abused women who are murdered are killed when they leave.  In many cases women are so threatened and self-esteem is so low because of constant verbal abuse, some actually believe they are responsibly for the way they are being treated.  Time after time, a woman is isolated without money or a car and believes she has no choice.

Many people try to convince themselves that their situation will get better in time.  Rarely does this happen.  Often it is just the opposite.  The bad situation will become worse and someone gets hurt or killed.  The victim has no power to change the abuser, no matter how hard she may try.  Domestic violence has an incredibly negative impact on every aspect of society including the workplace and schools.  It is the duty of every citizen to speak out against acts of physical and verbal abuse.

Thankfully there are options for those who believe they are trapped in an abusive relationship.  Remember that physical abuse is a crime.  There is help 24-hours a day.  or more information please call the National Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or the Highland Lakes Family Crisis Center at 1-800-66-HELP-4 or 1-830-693-5600.

Those living in fear and misery behind closed doors can change their lives by picking up the phone and making a call.  No person deserves to be abused.  You can open your door to a better life!  You can be safe and happy in your own home.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Tell a friend.  Get involved.  It may save a life.

Personal Safety Tips

No one deserves to be abused.  If things get out of hand, it's good to have a plan!

When a Fight Breaks Out

• Move away from the kitchen, bathroom, or anyplace where there are dangerous sharp objects.
• Plan the easiest escape.  Decide on a door or window to exit quickly and safely.
• Find a neighbor, friend or family member you can trust to help you and your children to call police.

If You Decide to Leave Your Partner, Plan for Safety

• Every situation is different!  Contact us for information on how to plan for safety.  Leaving may be risky for you and your children.
• Put some money away.  Even if you only save a little bit every week, you need to have some money of your own.
• Make copies fo keys and important papers and leave them with a friend, neighbor, or church.  Some important items to have: birth certificates, legal papers, a little money, special toys.

Ways to Stay on Your Own

• Change the locks on your doors.
• learn about your legal rights.  If you have legal papers to protect you, keep them with you at all times.
• Tell neighbors, friends, landlords or coworkers that your partner no longer lives with you.  Keep a safety plan for coming and going, and share it with people you trust.  Teach your children about your safety plan.
• If your former partner is dangerous, find someone at work to tell.  Show a picture, and ask them to call 911 if your former partner comes around.

Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality

Many young women are interested in learning how to predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive.  Below are a list of behaviors that are seen in people who abuse their girlfriends.  The last four signs listed are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer.  If the person has several of the other behaviors (say three or more) there is a strong potential for physical abuse.  The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is to become physically abusive.  In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that they young women can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).  Initially, the batterer will try to explain his behavior as signs of his love and concern, and a your women may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate the women.

• Jealousy. At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will say that his jealous is a sign of love.  Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.  he will question the young women about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of the time she spends with family, friends or children.  He may give her a hard time for being involved in activities or work for fear that she will meet someone else.  He may even do strange behaviors such as asking friends to watch her.  
• Controlling Behavior.  At the first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because he is concerned for the young women's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions.  He will be angry if the women is 'late' to meet him after a trip to the store or an appointment.  If she cannot see him when he wants, he may question her closely about who she will be with of her plans.  As this behavior gets worse, he may try to interfere with women's right to make personal decisions about school, her clothing or going to church.  He may act like he wants to own her.
• Quick Involvement.  Many young women dated or knew the man who abused them for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.  He comes on like a whirlwind - 'you're the only person I could ever talk to', 'I've never felt loved like this by anyone'.  He needs someone desperately, and will pressure the women to commit to him.
• Unrealistic Expectations.  He is very dependent on the women for all of his needs; he expects her to be the perfect girlfriend, mother, lover and friend.  He will say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need - you're all I need."  She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and meet all of his needs.
• Isolation.  The young abuser tries to cut the women off from all resources.  If she has male friends, she is a 'slut', if she has girlfriends, she is accused, disparagingly, of being a lesbian.  If she is close to family, she is 'tied to the apron strings'.  He accuses people who are her supports of 'causing trouble'.  He may try to keep her from working or being involved in school or other activities that do not revolve around him.
• Blames Other for His Problems. If he does poorly in school or is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong or out to get him.  He may make mistakes and then blame the person he is dating for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on doing his job.  He will tell the young women she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
• Blames Others for His Feelings.  He will tell the young women, 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', 'I can't help being angry'. He really makes the decision about what he thinks and feels, but will use feeling to manipulate the women.  Harder to catch are his claims that 'You make me happy', 'You control how I feel'.
• Hypersensitivity. The young abuser is easily insulted, he claims his feelings are "hurt" when he is really very mad, or he takes the slightest set backs as personal attacks.  He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened to him - things that are really just part of living - like being asked to turn his homework in on time, getting a traffic ticket, being told that something he does is annoying or being told that something he does is annoying or being asked to help with chores.  
• Cruelty to Animals or Children. This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering.  He may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting his/her diaper) or he may tease children or young brothers or sisters until they cry (60% of men who beat women they are with also beat their children).
• "Playful" Use of Force During Sex.  This young man may like to throw the young woman down and hold her during sex.  He may want to act out fantasies during sex where she is helpless.  He is letting her know that the idea of "rape" excites him.  He may show little concern about whether she wants to have sex and sulk or use anger to manipulate her into compliance.  He may start having sex with the young women while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
• Verbal Abuse.  In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen by the young man degrading the young woman, cursing her, running down any of her accomplishments.  The young man will tell her that she is stupid and unable to function without him.  This may involve waking her up to verbally abuse her or not letting her sleep.  He rarely calls her by her own name but uses terms such as bitch, whore, slut, fatso or stupid to address her.
• Rigid Sex Roles. The young abuser expects a girlfriend to serve him.  He may say she must meet his needs, that she must obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature.  The abuser will see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Many young women are confused by the abuser's "sudden" changes in mood - they will describe that one minute he is nice and the next minute he explodes as though he has some special "mental problem" or like he is "crazy".  Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners, and they are just another way to take control and manipulate a person.  These behaviors are related to others characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
• Past Battering. The young man may say he has hit girlfriends in the past, but they made him do it.  The young woman may hear from the relatives that the man is abusive.  A batterer will beat any woman he is with: situational circumstances do not make an abusive personality.
• Threats of Violence.  This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the young woman.  "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you," "I'll break your neck." Most men do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying, "Everybody talks like that."
• Breaking or Striking Objects. This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the young woman into submission.  The man may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near the woman.  Only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten them.  He may say, "See, I hit the rear view mirror, not you.  I don't want to hurt you".  Don't be fooled - it is an implied threat.
• Any Force During an Argument. This may involve a young man holding a young woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, as well as pushing or shoving her.  Example: The man may hold the woman against a wall and say, "You're going to listen to me."

Is Your Relationship Based on Equality?

Equality Means

Displaying Non-Threatening Behavior:

• Talking and acting so that you and your partner feel safe and comfortable expressing yourselves

Having Respect:

• Listening non-judgmentally
• Being emotionally affirming and understanding
• Valuing your partner's opinion

Giving and Receiving Trust and Support:

• Supporting your partner's goals in life
• Respecting your partner's rights to feelings, friends, activities and opinions

Claiming Honesty and Accountability:

• Accepting Responsibility
• Acknowledging past use of violence
• Admitting wrong doing
• Communicating openly and truthfully

Participating in Responsible Parenting:

• Sharing parental responsibilities
• Being a positive and nonviolent role model for your children

Owning Your Share Responsibilities:

• Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work